Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Breaking the Silence
Hello, my loves.
Many of my regular readers have noticed that I have been "quiet" in the last 6 months, not posting much of anything personal, and mainly only loosely sticking to my blogging schedule by providing stuff I find on the interwebs that I know you'll love. I stopped doing a daily "Attitude of Gratitude" list back in July, NOT because I wasn't counting my blessings, but because if I posted even a tiny percentage of what I was thankful for each day, in the face of all that's happened here recently, I'd have been a continual, blubbering, emotional wreck. (That sentence seems to have entirely more commas than it ought, but I can't articulate it any better at the moment. Bear with me.)
My blog is not a rant. It is not a public journal where I vent whatever emotion is running high at the moment and then wait til later to think about how it came across. I have striven to keep it a cheerful, beautiful place where there is always something to make my readers smile. Some of my posts from last year are of a more serious and personal nature, but the majority since have been reigned in to be of a positive and happy persuasion. I want to thank you all for the continued love you have shown. My followers count is growing, which is thrilling! I will be joining in with a "Grow Your Blog" fest in January (separate post about that, with all kind of links, to follow shortly). I am humbled to have had nearly 70,000 pageviews on my sidebar counter. Wow! Your comments and letters (though I am WAY behind in replies again!) and virtual hugs have encouraged me and kept me pushing through the tough times- and there have been many tough times of late, to be sure.
So by now you are wondering what has kept me so distant. Well, the biggest thing is that my divorce is now finally final. He left us ("officially") this summer. I fought so hard to save the marriage, spending more time than I can even recall literally on my face at the Lord's feet, begging for a miracle. But both people have to want it, and according to him the entire marriage was a lie on his side. Yes, there are sordid details. Yes, he cheated. There were lies on top of lies, on top of more lies, until things finally caught up with him. But that's all I'm going to tell you about it. The details are really no one else's business, and I'd just as soon bury the past as much as I can, as quickly as I can. The end result and bottom line is that I am now a single mom of 2, starting my life completely over.
Where I had been raising his two children from his first marriage, as well as our two, and had referred to them all in my posts as "Cute Gremlins 1-4", with 1 being the oldest, etc., now he has taken 1 and 2 to Alabama with him (I never had ANY legal rights to them whatsoever. Motherhood is, in itself, a thankless job. This has turned out even more so.) and I am the primary physical custodial parent of our two. Therefore, from here on out, anything related to the children is simply "Cute Gremlin the Elder" and "Cute Gremlin the Younger". As above, that's the only explanation and insight you're going to get.
I will say this for the Year of Infomercials From Hell that 2012 has been: when stuff like this happens, you find out who your friends are. And aren't. When things are stripped down to the bone, you see who is true blue and who only pretended to give a crap about you. You discover just how fragile and precious every moment of happiness, security (though admittedly, mine was a false sense of), and normality really is. You either run to God, or from Him. I am utterly dependent on Him, and though my faith was tested with the hottest fire I have yet encountered in this life, it held and I seek His face moment by moment.
How great is my comfort, to be hidden in the shadow of His wings! (Ps. 17:8 and 57:1)
I have many major choices ahead of me, including finishing school (Where? What degree major? How to pay for it? I don't fancy getting into massive debt...), getting a job (have been trying for 8 months- nothing yet. Having been a SAHM for 8 years, and no degree, I have no marketable skills that will translate to a full time job that will support myself and 2 children. But I'm trying.), what to do with Lucy Jane... the Etsy shop is growing, and I'm grateful for that. But how to take it to the next level (so it becomes a viable source of income) and be worth the time investment? A lot of questions. Some of them that raise more questions instead of answers. However. I know Who has ALL the answers, even when I feel like I can't even breathe.
So that's it. That's the long and the short. It hasn't been 100% heartache- there are several things that I have found happiness and worth in that I can't wait to share with you! The personal growth has been a painful process, but it has happened, and continues to happen, and I have discovered more about my identity as a human being in the past 3 years than perhaps in the whole of my life prior to that! I will share those joyful things with you, very soon! But for right now, I feel like this post is long enough and complete in itself.
I'm back from hovering on the "edges". This is my blog, my personal space, and I am ready to live in it fully again. I will be posting personal triumphs and trials in the future, inviting you to come along for the journey. I will keep this blog a beautiful and cheerful place and I hope anything it contains blesses someone's heart. So many of you fellow bloggers have blessed mine. Thank you so much for that.
Until later, my dears. Thank you again for sticking with me. It promises to be an amazing life from this point forward! :)
PS- I will be starting the Gratitudes list on the sidebar again in the New Year!! :)