I'm sorry to have to report that I have been having the worst day ever, emotionally. I mean, there wasn't any bad that happened today; in fact, a lot of it was good or even pleasant. But I'm not functioning up to speed. I feel like Bilbo Baggins describes in The Fellowship Of The Ring- thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.
Haven't heard back about the jobs I applied for last week. Still fighting a change of season cold/sinus infection. Needing to get to the chiropractor and talk about the X-rays she took last week; back still hurts plenty and she says she can't get my muscles and spine to let go of the stress tension they are holding. (Really?) On my face at God's feet over my marriage. Behind on everything- Lucy Jane work, photo work, house work, laundry...
Then mom drops this bomb on me that she's gone and bought a new bed for Jennifer (that she neither needs, nor asked for) and now my Friday tomorrow- the last day that I have to work like a mad thing and turn my to do list around before Jake is back in town and I have to face all of those emotions, etc.- now I've been told to clean the girl's room out from top to bottom so that this new bed can be moved in. Where is the old bed to go? In the attic. Up here, with me. Like everything else in the house that isn't wanted or suits her purposes. It just gets shoved up here. When can I actually have a bedroom up here??? I'm already drowning in stuff that I don't know what to do with and so overwhelmed at having to deal with it all. I don't want to have to work around a bed frame too!!! But I'm told to not even BE here when it's all moved- that I'm to take Gran, Jennifer and Emily to the mall to get them "out of the way".
Mom's afraid Gran will not want the beds moved around and people moving big, heavy stuff up her stairways. I don't want it, either, but I can't tell mom that. I tried, and she's all "Why not? This is a great thing I'm doing for Jennifer, just go with it. What's your problem?"
Only not in a nice way like that.
I'm emotionally bankrupt right now, y'all. I seriously am.
Broken hearted and so low the last few nights that I saw the early morning hours come and go, and felt so defeated that I couldn't raise my head. These are the moments I am clinging to the Lord for all I am worth. I know the truths, but I'm still fighting the lies.
Whatever my personal issues are right now, I do try so hard to stay upbeat for my friends and for you, dear readers. You have shown me all kinds of support and love, and most of you I have never even met face to face. As I am walking through this valley in my life, just be patient with me and don't give up on me yet. I have a lot of good to offer. If you read back over some of my past posts, you'll notice that I'm usually pretty hilarious. :) I often share the humor that comes with being a mom of 4:
Charles: "Stop that, Emily. You're not the boss of me. Mama is."
Emily: "Yep, Mama. You're the boss. Come downstairs and play now."
One thing that has really helped me to cope with the stress and taking deep breaths to stay calm, is to write letters. Amazingly, I don't write anything about my personal life or the way everything in my world is crashing down around me. I write about how beautiful GA is in the fall and how much I love living here. I write about how I'm passionate over my photography, and music, and costumery and sewing. I write about how one day I hope to travel to other parts of the world and learn other languages and cultures.
The pen gliding over the paper smoothes my ruffled feathers and brings my blood pressure down out of the stratosphere. My heart still aches, but then it is for the dreams and goals I long to meet, rather than the crushing disappointment of my current circumstances. No, writing letters doesn't get the elephants sewn, or the dolls made, or my junk from college listed on Craigslist and Ebay. It doesn't sweep the floors and get the laundry folded. My bed is still vast and empty when I can't keep my eyes open any longer, and have no choice but to collapse into it. But as I crawl under the covers, it's with the "I've done something worthwhile today" feeling, and I go to sleep imagining how happy many different someones will be when they get a pretty, handwritten letter in the post, instead of bills and junk mail.
How glad I am for this project! It is bits of blue sky peeking out from behind grey rainclouds.
This is the lot that went out today, plus the Peacock Fairy package to Sarah. (I didn't get a picture of that.)
As I said, I have a list tomorrow that defies the laws of time and space. It ALL has to be done by 7 p.m. Sigh. Off to bed I go. A happier post tomorrow night that promises good things (read:Giveaway!!) for Saturday. Goodnight, my dears.